Howie Newman
MUSIC, COMEDY and MORE
MUSIC, COMEDY and MORE
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| www.howienewman.com hjnewman@verizon.net 781-662-2616 |
Products on TV
The problems I've had with women could form an endless list
And yet I really can’t see how those women could resist me
So instead of cryin', I’ve been tryin' those products on TV
And if I persist some spray or mist will surely work for me
The problems I've had with women could form an endless list
And yet I really can’t see how those women could resist me
So instead of cryin', I’ve been tryin' those products on TV
And if I persist some spray or mist will surely work for me
I used after shaves that drew the raves of all the magazines
I tried sexy cars and little cigars, and pre-shrunk faded jeans
That new toothpaste was an utter waste of my hard earned pay
I tried those shaving creams but the girl of my dreams was still at bay
I tried fancy shirts and double-knit suits with weird designs
French colognes and cordless phones, and fine imported wine
Diamonds, jewels and power tools, on TV they work all right
I used gums ‘n’ mints and wheat germ rinse but I’m still alone at night
None of that stuff really works, they must think that we’re all jerks
Patience is a virtue but y’know I just can’t wait
There’s plenty of fish out in the sea but I’m running out of bait
My Baby Can't Parallel Park
I love my woman with all my soul. She’s smart and pretty, got a heart of gold
She knows how to cook and dresses so fine. I’m so glad that she’s all mine
But no one’s perfect, you know that’s true. There’s just one thing that she can’t do
She tries real hard but misses the mark. My baby can’t parallel park
My baby can’t parallel park. After all these years, she’s still in the dark.
Back and forth, and up on the curb, bumpin’ and grindin’, it gets on my nerves
Rockin’ and rollin’ with all of her heart. My baby can’t parallel park
We drove into town one Saturday morn. It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm
Do a little shopping, check out the sales, pick up some food, drop off the mail
"One-hour parking," the street sign said. My baby just shrugged and shook her head
"Just one hour? That’s a disgrace. It takes almost that long to get into the space."
It’s simple geometry, it’s no big deal. Just angle it in and turn on the wheel
Straighten it out and there you are. Lock all the doors, get out of the car
But to her it’s a mystery with nary a clue. It’s just one thing that she can’t do
She’s searching for something like Lewis and Clark. My baby can’t parallel park
Our Kids Aren't Kids Anymore
I’m looking at a two-year-old, big blue eyes and curly hair
Hoping that years from now, I’ll remember being there
And just what it felt like. Now she’s up there on the stage
Dancing up a storm, great big smile and hands that sing
Who could ask for more? Where did the time go?
Our kids aren't kids anymore. How’d they grow up so fast? I’m not really sure.
Next thing you know, they’re walking out the door. Our kids aren't kids anymore
He was brash and he was loud, full of energy. He could run and he could jump and scamper up a tree
I still remember. Now he’s tall and mellow, leader of the band
A child no longer that’s for sure, almost a man. Where did the time go?
She’s all grown up and on her own, living far away. He’s college bound and confident, has so much to say.
Where did the time go? Each one is different, yet so much the same
They always seemed to make us proud, each in their own way and they still do
My Last Cup of Coffee
Gather ’round the breakfast table, children you will hear about a midnight ride
But not the one by Paul Revere. It was me and my brother and two cousins I recall
My last cup of coffee and a game of basketball
It was April 1970 when we headed out the door for a little road trip, set our sights on Baltimore
The Eastern Conference playoffs, the Bullets and the Knicks
We were teenage superfans, that’s how we got our kicks
It was my last cup of coffee, I never touched another drop
Drivin’ home from Baltimore, we made a little stop. I was tired and we were lost
I broke into a sweat and drank my last cup of coffee, the one I can’t forget
The Knicks won by a point or two, it was quite a show. We saw Reed and Bradley, and Earl the Pearl Monroe.
Four excited teens climbed aboard my Chevy 2 with only one licensed driver. That was you know who
I used two creams and a sugar, or was it the other way around?
I was growing weary and I quickly gulped it down
My stomach turned inside out and I began to pray, wondrin’ how people drink this stuff, each and every day
That Old Car
The AC was busted, the body was rusted, my wife was disgusted
’Bout pourin’ more money into that old car. She said it wasn’t really all that smart
But it got me where I needed ’cause I never really needed to get too far
I was really fond-a that ’91 Honda, long on endurance, great on insurance
You didn’t have to worry ’bout banging up that old car
And nobody would steal it ’cause if they did, then they really wouldn’t get too far
That old car, I really miss it. That old car, lots of memories were in it
I taught both kids to drive, saw my honey on a Saturday night
Dragged the equipment to a couple thousand softball games in that old car
(second chorus)
Dragged the equipment to a couple hundred music shows in that old car
It wasn’t really high tech, had a cassette deck, was a pain in the neck
To get going on a winter’s morn. It took a while to get real warm
But it got me where I wanted ’cause I never really wanted to get too far
I tried sexy cars and little cigars, and pre-shrunk faded jeans
That new toothpaste was an utter waste of my hard earned pay
I tried those shaving creams but the girl of my dreams was still at bay
I tried fancy shirts and double-knit suits with weird designs
French colognes and cordless phones, and fine imported wine
Diamonds, jewels and power tools, on TV they work all right
I used gums ‘n’ mints and wheat germ rinse but I’m still alone at night
None of that stuff really works, they must think that we’re all jerks
Patience is a virtue but y’know I just can’t wait
There’s plenty of fish out in the sea but I’m running out of bait
My Baby Can't Parallel Park
I love my woman with all my soul. She’s smart and pretty, got a heart of gold
She knows how to cook and dresses so fine. I’m so glad that she’s all mine
But no one’s perfect, you know that’s true. There’s just one thing that she can’t do
She tries real hard but misses the mark. My baby can’t parallel park
My baby can’t parallel park. After all these years, she’s still in the dark.
Back and forth, and up on the curb, bumpin’ and grindin’, it gets on my nerves
Rockin’ and rollin’ with all of her heart. My baby can’t parallel park
We drove into town one Saturday morn. It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm
Do a little shopping, check out the sales, pick up some food, drop off the mail
"One-hour parking," the street sign said. My baby just shrugged and shook her head
"Just one hour? That’s a disgrace. It takes almost that long to get into the space."
It’s simple geometry, it’s no big deal. Just angle it in and turn on the wheel
Straighten it out and there you are. Lock all the doors, get out of the car
But to her it’s a mystery with nary a clue. It’s just one thing that she can’t do
She’s searching for something like Lewis and Clark. My baby can’t parallel park
Our Kids Aren't Kids Anymore
I’m looking at a two-year-old, big blue eyes and curly hair
Hoping that years from now, I’ll remember being there
And just what it felt like. Now she’s up there on the stage
Dancing up a storm, great big smile and hands that sing
Who could ask for more? Where did the time go?
Our kids aren't kids anymore. How’d they grow up so fast? I’m not really sure.
Next thing you know, they’re walking out the door. Our kids aren't kids anymore
He was brash and he was loud, full of energy. He could run and he could jump and scamper up a tree
I still remember. Now he’s tall and mellow, leader of the band
A child no longer that’s for sure, almost a man. Where did the time go?
She’s all grown up and on her own, living far away. He’s college bound and confident, has so much to say.
Where did the time go? Each one is different, yet so much the same
They always seemed to make us proud, each in their own way and they still do
My Last Cup of Coffee
Gather ’round the breakfast table, children you will hear about a midnight ride
But not the one by Paul Revere. It was me and my brother and two cousins I recall
My last cup of coffee and a game of basketball
It was April 1970 when we headed out the door for a little road trip, set our sights on Baltimore
The Eastern Conference playoffs, the Bullets and the Knicks
We were teenage superfans, that’s how we got our kicks
It was my last cup of coffee, I never touched another drop
Drivin’ home from Baltimore, we made a little stop. I was tired and we were lost
I broke into a sweat and drank my last cup of coffee, the one I can’t forget
The Knicks won by a point or two, it was quite a show. We saw Reed and Bradley, and Earl the Pearl Monroe.
Four excited teens climbed aboard my Chevy 2 with only one licensed driver. That was you know who
I used two creams and a sugar, or was it the other way around?
I was growing weary and I quickly gulped it down
My stomach turned inside out and I began to pray, wondrin’ how people drink this stuff, each and every day
That Old Car
The AC was busted, the body was rusted, my wife was disgusted
’Bout pourin’ more money into that old car. She said it wasn’t really all that smart
But it got me where I needed ’cause I never really needed to get too far
I was really fond-a that ’91 Honda, long on endurance, great on insurance
You didn’t have to worry ’bout banging up that old car
And nobody would steal it ’cause if they did, then they really wouldn’t get too far
That old car, I really miss it. That old car, lots of memories were in it
I taught both kids to drive, saw my honey on a Saturday night
Dragged the equipment to a couple thousand softball games in that old car
(second chorus)
Dragged the equipment to a couple hundred music shows in that old car
It wasn’t really high tech, had a cassette deck, was a pain in the neck
To get going on a winter’s morn. It took a while to get real warm
But it got me where I wanted ’cause I never really wanted to get too far
Words and music by Howie Newman
©2012 Howie Newman, Chin Music (BMI)
©2012 Howie Newman, Chin Music (BMI)
