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Released in 2016 on Major League Records

Words and music by Howie Newman

(c) 2016 Howie Newman  Chin Music (BMI)


I love my woman with all my soul

She’s smart and pretty

She’s got a heart of gold

She knows how to cook and dresses so fine

I’m so glad that she’s all mine

But no one’s perfect, you know that’s true

There’s just one thing that she can’t do

She tries real hard but misses the mark

My baby can’t parallel park


My baby can’t parallel park

After all these years, she’s still in the dark

Back and forth, and up on the curb

Bumpin’ and grindin’, It gets on my nerves

Rockin’ and rollin’ with all of her heart

My baby can’t parallel park



1. My Baby Can't Parallel Park

2. Our Kids Aren't Kids Anymore

3. When You're Happy, I'm Happy, too

4. Low Tech

5. The Ballad of Mike Hessman

6. Where is Everybody?

7. Reality Check

8. That Old Car

9. It's Only Money

10. My Last Cup of Coffee

We drove into town one Saturday morn. It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm

Do a little shopping, check out the sales, pick up some food, drop off the mail

“One-hour parking,” the street sign said.

My baby just shrugged and shook her head. “Just one hour?

That’s a disgrace. It takes almost that long to get into the space.”


It’s simple geometry, it’s no big deal. Just angle it in and turn on the wheel

Straighten it out and there you are. Lock all the doors, get out of the car

But to her it’s a mystery with nary a clue. It’s just one thing that she can’t do

She’s searching for something, like Lewis and Clark. My baby can’t parallel park


I’m looking at a two-year-old, big blue eyes and curly hair

Hoping that years from now, I’ll remember being there

And just what it felt like. Now she’s up there on the stage

Dancing up a storm, great big smile and hands that sing

Who could ask for more?  Where did the time go?


Our kids aren’t kids anymore. How’d they grow up so fast? I’m not really sure

Next thing you know, they’re walking out the door. Our kids aren’t kids anymore


He was brash and he was loud, full of energy. He could run and he could jump And scamper up a tree

I still remember. Now he’s tall and mellow, Leader of the band

A child no longer that’s for sure, almost a man. Where did the time go?


She’s all grown up and on her own, living far away

He’s college bound and confident, has so much to say. Where did the time go?

Each one is different, yet so much the same. They always seemed

To make us proud, each in their own way and they still do



When you’re happy, I’m happy, too.  When you’re happy

I love ya through and through. I’ll gladly clean the attic and even eat tofu

’Cause when you’re happy, I’m happy, too


I’ll express my feelings and I will go to yoga

I will go on nature hikes and I will move to Saratoga

I will watch a foreign film with English subtitles even if it’s four hours long …

I’ll watch the Home and Garden Channel. I’ll grin and bear it

I will buy a brand new suit even though I’ll never wear it

I’ll eat at fancy restaurants, order food I can’t pronounce

And smile the whole evening through


I’ll do the laundry, I’ll wash the dishes. I will eat whatever you cook …

And I will say that it’s delicious. When you’re talking to me, I’ll listen intently

Even if the ballgame is on


When you’re happy, I’m happy, too. When you’re happy

I love ya through and through

It may seem condescending but my love for you is never ending

When you’re happy, I’m happy, too. When you’re happy, I’m happy, too



I’m low tech, I’m old school. Some say I’m nothing but an old fool

I like to keep things simple as a rule. I’m low tech, I’m old school


Each day I get a newspaper, it’s what I read. That’s news on paper

Not some fancy little screen. It doesn’t have a keyboard or a little battery

But you can take it in the bathtub or anyplace you please


When I buy an album, I like to hold it in my hand

Look at all the pictures and read about the band

I’ve still got cassettes and vinyl but make no mistake

I never, ever even thought about buying an eight-track tape


I use my phone for calling people. Imagine that

It won’t play a movie or pull up a map. No information overload and that’s OK

’Cause if my car breaks down, I’ll just call Triple A

THE BALLAD OF MIKE HESSMAN (Minor League Home Run King)

If you mention Mike Hessman, that name might not ring a bell

But he’s a legend in his own right with a grand story to tell

He hit more home runs than any minor leaguer ever did

It took dedication, heart and soul, and a ton of grit


He just kept playing ’cause he loved it, living out his dream

Playing baseball for a living ever since he was eighteen

The years flew by just like the wind, he never lost that thirst

Becoming minor league home run king was a blessing and a curse


It started out in Macon, young Mike just had no fear

1997, he hit 21 that year. Danville, Greenville and Myrtle Beach along the way

The homers kept a-coming on the road to Triple-A


The year that Mike tuned thirty, he was still in Triple-A

Then thirty-one and thirty-two, the time just slipped away

He played in Mexico and Japan, Venezuela, too

Sixteen teams in twenty years ’til fin’lly he was through


Did Mike ever make the majors? The answer is yes

He had cups of coffee with the Braves, the Tigers and the Mets

Fourteen big-league homers, five seasons in the show

With a little luck, he might’ve stuck. I guess we’ll never know




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